A Child’s Voice

As someone who has been teaching vocal music since the late 1970′s, I know how empowering it is for someone, anyone, to find their voice.  In the last eight school years of teaching sixth through twelfth graders in a classroom setting, I have had those lessons amplified exponentially.

Watching Oprah’s show today about bullying, particularly sexual bullying, I was brought to a new level of awareness, especially in light of my most recent post about the progress we have made since the Stonewall riots in New York City in 1969.   My feelings on this subject are fervent and immediate. 

Children today are being bullied by taunts of “fag,” and “faggot,”  and many other derogatory terms for homosexuals.  It is my opinion that even worse than the derogatory words being hurled at them is that children are being called, “gay,” as though it was something of which the child must be ashamed, whether they are gay or not. 

When I was young and being taunted with the terms of the day, “sissy,” “homo,” and “queer,”  we were taught to just ignore the cruelties.  Even as I was rearing my own children, I taught them the same lesson.

What I didn’t know at the time is that this guidance is a way of saying to the child that they should ignore how they are feeling, allow others to say what they will, and pretend that there is no impact on them from others’ actions and words.

We know better now.  We recognize that words can hurt. 

Carl's and Jaheem's mothers on Oprah.

Eleven-year-olds Carl Walker-Hoover and Jaheem Herrera, the latter of whom, incidentally, carries my birth mother’s surname, committed suicide because they could no longer hold up under the weight of their fellow students’ obscene cruelty.   These two boys, from different cultures and different cities, each, on their own, decided that death would be better than living the lives they had at school. 

For each parent reading this, a child chose death.  That means something to us.  We immediately go to that place of imagining how horrific it would be if our child were to take his or her life.  Yet, do we imagine being the parent of the bully? Do we ask ourselves, “Would my child stand by and allow that type of bullying to happen without saying a word, let alone perpetrating or supporting the abuse?”

How often have we heard, “Kids will be kids,” or “Kids can be so cruel?”  A million times; yet, our children are dying at increasing numbers. 

As a society, we are obligated to see what is truly happening and teach our children to have a voice.  We must, today, right now, speak with our children and let them know what our expectations of them are in the same way we do about cigarettes, drugs and sex. 

“You may not bully other children in the classroom, on the playground or anywhere else.  If you see another child being bullied or called names in person or on-line, I expect you to take some action.  It is worse to know that you did nothing and someone was injured or died than being called a ‘snitch.’” 

We must talk with our children about being bullied.  It is no longer acceptable to allow our children to “toughen up and take it,” or “ignore it and it will go away.”  We must teach them to develop and maintain their sense of self-worth, as well as their priority for self-preservation.

In the school where I taught vocal music, there was a student who was referring to something bad as, “gay.”  I am a gay man and felt obligated as a teacher, minister and citizen to educate that student about the impact that this reference had.  It was clear that there were other students who understood what I was saying, but there were those who simply did not understand until I used some vivid examples.

They understood then.

It is not enough to know that our child is not a bully.  It is not enough to believe that it is happening elsewhere.   We must address this issue directly.  We cannot neglect the welfare of all children.

I can tell you firsthand that it is happening at the school where I taught.  It was happening daily.  There are minimal actions taken by the administration to stem that tide; however, by my assessment, it is not enough.  Our school is actually a mild example of what is happening in a more obvious and dynamic way across the country.

For those of you who are parents, I’m asking that you speak to your child about this topic.  Perhaps, you can watch the Oprah episode with your child.  If you see your child withdrawing, make sure you speak with them directly.  Contact a mental health professional if you sense anything is significantly and consistently wrong.  Watch their eating and sleeping habits.  Have their friendships ended?  Are they quieter than ever before? 

For those of you who are teachers, listen closely to the language your students are using.  If they call one another, “fag,” even as a joke, one must understand that it is the same as using other vulgar terms to refer to our brothers and sisters.

I know that everyone becomes very busy in their day, but our children are telling us who they are and how they feel if we take the time to listen.  The parents and teachers I know are incredible individuals, down to the last one.  We get busy, though.  It’s the nature of our lives. 

Sometimes, we must simply take a deep breath and listen with a new ear.  That is, categorically, how our children learn to value their own voices… by being heard by those who love them.

Together, we can be secure that our children are safe, heard, proud and strong while making sure we no longer hear about a fifth or sixth grader who has committed suicide.